Sometimes the Experiment Is the Point

The decision was easy to make but it does make me stop and wonder if it could have been different.

When we tell people we’re moving back to Tucson, I know many will assume why. That living abroad didn’t work out. That somehow the plan didn’t fall into place. While some of that feels true, it’s not really the story.

Rewind to last summer when I started writing here and sharing more about our move, our decision to do so and my feelings at the time — I couldn’t know that by the New Year I would be calling my property manager in Tucson to break the news.

When we moved to the Netherlands, the plan was never certainty, but curiosity.

We moved here because it seemed to meet many of the values on our list, but at the end of the day it was also one of the easier visas to obtain, which made the decision feel more manageable.

We wanted to experience what life might look like somewhere completely different from the place we had just been. After all, it wasn’t the first time and certainly won’t be the last. Every place comes with different rhythms and priorities. Different assumptions about what a good life looks like. The Netherlands certainly values work and life balance which I have great respect for. Moving here was never meant to prove anything to anyone other than ourselves. I actually think it was really to answer a question.

Could we potentially build a life somewhere that aligned with the values we strived to live? For a time that felt true, but then it started to fade as the shine wore off.

Not every place that is beautiful from the outside will become home, and not every lifestyle that works for some people is the life you ultimately want for yourself. This is especially true if you’re trying to compare yourself with the local population. The same way they may not adapt well in Tucson, we ultimately didn’t adapt well here.

Even after making a few expat friends, there was still a loneliness that never quite went away. Building community takes time anywhere, but when language, culture, and social rhythms are different, that process moves more slowly than we expected. This is also true with building friendships with other expats considering they are also dealing with major life transitions.

The school situation was difficult from the start and in ways we didn’t fully anticipate. I don’t think you can truly anticipate what is largely unknown. I wrote about my skepticism of the schools here last year and that has not eased. Friends of ours have had an even worse experience than we have so I do feel some comfort knowing it could have been worse.

One of the biggest surprises was that the cost of living. I don’t know that I expected it to be lower but I certainly didn’t expect €700 gas/electric bills. In some areas it was higher, especially once we factored in housing and the realities of running a business abroad.

(Converting dollars to euros is one of those situations that never gets easier. You just hold your nose and pretend you didn’t just lose 20% of your earnings. I know people always tell me I didn’t lose anything, but that isn’t how it feels in the moment.)

Running a business here added layers of complexity that I hadn’t really anticipated. Taxes, systems, and bureaucracy look very different here than in the US, and I knew this coming in. I won’t get into the business difficulties here because they aren’t something most people will probably ever experience.

Then there is the one thing we were warned about but just never knew how much it would impact us.... the climate. Month and months of gray skies change how you feel in ways I underestimated. My French friend Alex tells me I moved abroad during possibly the worst winter in a while and that may be true but it doesn’t fully ease the dread that comes with waking up to gray skies day after day.

Eventually we had to admit something simple: the life we were building here required sacrifices that we weren’t interested in making long-term. The realization I had was every place offers a different version of life. The question is whether the tradeoffs match the life you want. For us, they didn’t.

While The Netherlands offers a lot… walkable cities, safe bike paths, beautiful architecture, cultural experiences, international perspective it didn’t grow on us in the way that it grows on many.

I think that ultimately comes down to the tradeoffs you’re willing to live with. For us, there were more than we anticipated and we wouldn’t have known without first trying it out. We have no regrets really because our girls continue to experience life and learn from the world in ways we never could have given then had we stayed in the Missouri in 2019.

If you’re reading this because you’re considering a move abroad think more about what you’re truly willing to trade. Oftentimes it’s what you least expect… like living in a cloud of cigarette smoke. Sometimes I wish we would have been able to give this a test drive but we weren’t dealt that hand.

For now, home looks like our desert house in Tucson. We leave in June, so I still have some time to explore, absorb, and feel deeply humbled by the Dutch.